2004 Texas Mock Trial Quotes
[Discussing Team Punishments]
Arpan: We need some formalized punishment system, with a protocol for what constitutes which sort of punishment. We should have corporal punishment too.
Tom: Okay, you're in charge of spanking the males and I will spank the females.
Lauren: Oh my god, people!
[David, Lauren & Tom take off running down the street.]
CXer: You were fired, correct?
Ruchit: It's funny, I've been working at Polk Hospital for 12 years and no one came to me and said, "Look Dimitri, we need to talk about your work! Let's sit down, have some coffee!"
CXer: You were fired, weren't you?
[In russian accent]
Ruchit: I was actually purged...
Ruchit: It's the best education a Tajik rouble can buy!
Joel: What is it with you and foreigners?
[Notes from round]
Joel: Good job attacking small children.
DXer: Doctor, did you go to medical school?
Seigfried: Yes, I did
DXer: What did you learn in medical school?
[In trial, Cross-examining]
David: Doctor, a physical therapist is supposed to heal problems, correct?
[Under his breath]
Arpan: Like a shaman.
CXer: What did your autopsy reveal, Jerk?
JP: Dr. Dehnert, since you were fired, isn't it true you've haven't been working?
Edward: No, that's not true. I work around the house.
JP: Your honor, I've got the collard greens, but you're gonna have to pass the justice.
Abi: You boys should take care of your wives...
Arpan: I'll probably end up outsourcing it.
Abi: Tom, guess what!! I met a boy! And I like him!
Tom: Ohh...you met a boy...umm...that's nice?
Abi: No! You don't understand! I don't -like- boys...
Arpan: Is that ipod the best thing ever or what?
David: I would have sex with it if they provided a hole.
Arpan: If winning was dependent on beauty, then we should all quit now.
Abi: But Arpan, -I- quit!
David: That's because you're ugly.
Utsav: David has style and charisma...
David: I almost expected him to say something cruel like, "David has style and charisma...but he's FAT!"
Tom: Don't worry Utsav, the only bad things I told them about you were how you like to kill babies in your spare time.
Utsav: Or that was the only good thing you said about me...
[Studying Court Cases]
Tom: Arpan, this case is so messed up. Look at this...
[Tom begins to read the facts of the case]
Case: Payne passed the morning and early afternoon injecting cocaine and drinking beer. Later, he drove around the town with a friend in the friend's car, each of them taking turns reading a pornographic magazine...
Arpan: Hey! That sounds like JP and Jamie!
[At the very end of his opening]
Arpan: Your honor, at the end of today's trial, you'll have three choices: firing squad, electrocution or lethal injection. Let’s discuss each of your options and which is the right one for the defendant…
Tom: What if UMTA were the ninja turtles??
Maggie: Then the footclan would rule the world, Tom.
Tom: Whatcha doing?
Maggie: You know, at this point, I wish I was Arpan.
Abi: What is a C-Collar, sir?
Noaman: it's what they put on after they run out of A and B collars.
Abi: That's not business casual! That's I'm-gonna-be-on-a-ranch-with-the-cows casual.
Noaman: What's wrong with walking up to him and using a few expletives? Maybe he'll push me...that would be fun.
JP: How could I preface giving a girl a valentine so she wouldn't think I'm in love with her?
Robyn: You could not wrap it and you could drive by when she's standing on the street and throw it out the window at her.
Ruchit: She's gonna tell you how Tony Sturmanis was before and after the game. Before the game, Sturmanis was alive. After, he had a -really- bad headache.
Dave: So, Mr. Baptiste, at that point, after you took Harmon to the benches, and then the locker room to kick him out of the game, you didn't call a penalty, at that point, immediately, correct?
Abi: I see Bivens as being into S & M.
[Tom looks confused]
David: You know what that is right, Tom?
Jamie: That's easy...Saturday Night Live! Ohh...wait, that's SNL.
Arpan: GT was such a horrible program. Stupid liberals trying to brainwash our kids!
David: I hated it because they kept calling me fat!
JP: Something about Jamie makes me wanna take off my clothes.
Jamie: Why are enforcers popular?
Arpan: Enforcers are popular with the proletariat--
Tom: No, do that again.
Arpan: Enforcers are popular with the seedier underclass that usually frequents the hockey arenas.
Tom: No, do that again.
Arpan: Enforcers are popular with hockey fans.